I always wanted to have a magical story of how I found the clarinet. My brother, for example, heard the oboe once in 2nd grade and knew it would be the instrument he would play. In fact, I actually wanted to play the flute, but my older sister had already taken that instrument by the time I got to fifth grade band. So, when it was my turn to choose an instrument, my parents suggested the clarinet because my grandma had played it in high school so I could use hers. While I found the clarinet by coincidence, once I started playing, I was completely hooked. I loved the process of discovering how to make sounds, learning the different pitches, and being able to take a song from a piece of paper into the world. As I got older, music began to take up a more significant part of my life and I started to wonder what role it would take in my life after high school.
During my junior year of high school, I had one of the most profound musical experiences of my life. I had auditioned and been selected for the All-State Band. For the months leading up to the performance, I studied my music like crazy, worried that I would get there and everybody would be better than me. Being from a very small town, I didn’t know what to expect from an ensemble of this level. At this same time, I was starting to think about applying to college and wondering how large of a role music should play in my life. I was considering double majoring, doing a music minor, or not studying music, maybe playing in a marching band or campus band. This question weighed heavily on my mind as we drove the five hours to Greeley, Colorado where All-State Band was being held.
When we arrived at the first rehearsal, I was completely overwhelmed but incredibly excited. While I didn’t think I would know anyone, a girl who I had gone to a clarinet camp with that summer also happened to be there as well. After catching up, we got to warming up and eventually rehearsing with the whole group. Even from the first notes that we played together as a group, I could tell that this ensemble was at a much higher level than any group I had played with before. As we ran through the pieces, it was clear that everyone around me had worked hard beforehand and was fully present in the moment. My initial worries about not being good enough faded away as I got completely immersed in the rehearsal process.
The next day, that familiar feeling of worry started to creep back up on me. This time, however, I was nervous about the performance that evening. I’ve struggled with performance anxiety ever since I started playing the clarinet, often stepping on stage with worries and fears about playing wrong notes, squeaking, or sounding bad. This day in particular, I felt that recognizable pit in my stomach, as I worried if I would be able to perform to the level that I knew I was capable of and that this ensemble required. Just after the dress rehearsal and shortly before the performance, this feeling got incredibly bad. While I now know that I was likely experiencing an anxiety attack, at the time I just knew I was completely overwhelmed and felt as if there was no way I could perform. However, just as I started to feel this way, I found my friend from camp, who immediately knew something was wrong and sat down with me to calm me down. She reassured me that I knew the music very well and that she would there for me the whole time. I calmed down and went onto stage feeling shaky but confident. In the past few years, I have done a lot of work on my performance anxiety, mostly through just performing more, but also through understanding what triggers my anxiety and what can ground me.
Finally, it was time for the performance. I made my way onto the stage, did some warming up, and we began our performance with a rousing Sousa march called “The Fairest of the Fair”. As I started to get into the rhythm of the piece, my worries began to fade away. Once again, I became completely immersed in the music. I stopped thinking about individual notes and just focused on how much I enjoyed being in the ensemble, surrounded by such talented musicians, playing interesting and challenging pieces. When we finished our performance, I knew that I wanted to study music in college because I needed to play with more ensembles like this. I also knew that in some capacity, I will play music for the rest of my life. This performance was a major turning point in my musical experience because I showed myself that I am capable of pushing past my performance anxiety and finding immense joy in performing.
Video of the Performance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqTJORC74PI&feature=youtu.be